Shades of Gray

I’ve loved 3 men in my life.

…and coming to this realization also brought me to another, stranger one - that I have a pretty consistent pattern when I fall for a guy.

See, all the guys I fell for have one particularly defining trait - they’re seriously guarded. Guarded is very different from shallow, I’ve discovered. Shallow men don’t talk about emotions because they simply aren’t aware of them. But while outwardly, guarded men might not be what you’d call “sensitive,” all of them actually do have an acute awareness of the emotionality and spirituality within them. They simply didn’t share it with most people. Guarded men are mysterious and interesting. Especially when you find one who, for some reason, trusts you enough to let you in — just enough to entice you. 

It was such a rush, knowing I was the only one he shared those moments with. Sometimes it was communicated with words, sometimes in silent acceptance. No matter the medium of communication, I knew he had broken down walls to share a piece of himself with me, and it was intoxicating. I fell for it every time.

But here’s what always happens next: As we spend more time together, I expect him to open up more often, to let me in more easily. But each of them wouldn’t (or maybe couldn’t) move past a certain level of intimacy, a level which, for them, was likely farther than they had reached with anyone. But for me, it wasn’t enough. 

Why would I be disappointed in these men when they were simply acting the same way they had when I fell in love with them? They were the ones being consistent. I’m the one whose demands apparently changed.

But what I never realized was that implicit in my admiration of these men, I held an expectation that they would change. How fair is that? Not to say that I’m blaming the demise of each of these relationships (or pseudo-relationships) on myself. Love can only survive so long when your needs aren’t being met, and mine weren’t even consistently addressed.

So the thing I’m wondering now is - why did I expect these guarded men (wonderful as they are) to fill my need for emotional intimacy in the first place? Am I just setting myself up for disappointment by pursuing the wrong type of guy? And is that even something I can change? Can I honestly help it if I’m attracted to moody, secretly sensitive, guarded men and not the openly romantic, lovey-dovey ones? Or is it my expectation that maybe needs to change? But isn’t lowering my  expectations just settling?

So many questions. The only thing I know for sure is that I have no idea what I’m looking for. But I suppose that’s a start.